Red vs Red
Red vs Red is the nineteenth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 15. It will air on August 6, 2017, for FIRST members and August 13, 2017, for the general public. It is the 322nd episode overall. Characters Reds and Blues *Tucker *Caboose *Sarge *Simmons *Grif *Donut *Lopez *Carolina Interstellar Daily *Dylan Andrews *Jax Jonez Blues and Reds *Temple *Surge *Cronut *Lorenzo *Numerous Simulation Troopers Other *Dr. Johanson (Voice only) Plot The Reds and Blues fly in Dylan's ship to the island where the Blues and Reds are located. They unintentionally trigger the defense system, however, and seeker missiles come after them. Grif takes control of the ship and manages to dodge a few missiles but is ultimately hit, causing the group to crash. Upon witnessing this, Temple orders Surge to send Lorenzo and Cronut out to deal with them. The Reds and Blues manage to get out of the wreckage unharmed (save for Lopez who is once again reduced to a head). They move out and see multiple enemy Simulation Troopers guarding the entrance to the base. In order to distract them, Carolina asks Grif what he brought in terms of edibles. It is quickly revealed that Grif brought the "meth" mushrooms from their retirement planet and eats them all to kill the sim troopers via super speed. Sarge and Simmons then commandeer a Warthog and use it against the enemies. As the firefight continues, Dylan gets a call from a now panicked Dr. Johanson. It turns out that the device she sent his team is capable of doing something after all. Johanson explains that the device is powered by a time machine that takes energy from both the past and present to function, causing a wormhole. However, the effects from the machine are the biggest concern as it has world destruction capabilities if used. Meanwhile, Cronut and Lorenzo attack the group with a tank, pinning them down. Jax manages to distract them by making ethnic slurs against Lorenzo, allowing Tucker to rush at the tank and kick Lorenzo's head off. He then proceeds to punch the tank repeatedly and successfully destroys it (much to the disbelief from his friends). The group regroups after the firefight, with Dylan telling them everything Dr. Johanson told her. Carolina believes that Temple can't be that stupid not to know of the machine's effects, but Dylan figures that Temple is so focused on revenge he isn't thinking straight. Despite this, the group still plans on stopping him, but are horrified when an energy column emerges from the machine, signifying that Temple has activated it. Transcript A ship flying on the ocean, approaches an island. Dylan: Coming up on the island. Simmons: How are we going to know if they're here? Dylan: I got a feeling they'll see us before we see them- (Alarm) Dylan: Yep. There's our answer. Someone just locked missiles. Jax: Shields up! Go to red alert! Sarge: What does this hawk have in the way of countermeasures? Dylan: Well, if they shoot, we can counter by exploding. That's about it. Simmons: Yeah, let's make that plan B. Dylan: Our autopilot is worse than useless against guided missiles. I- I don't suppose any of you moonlight as combat pilots? Grif: Oh! I crashed a ship once- uhh, it was technically a tactical crash. Tucker: Yeah, I think I prefer plan B. Two missiles are fired. Dylan: Incoming! Twelve o'clock. Grif! Grif: Just a minute! I still haven't figured out how to invert the controller scheme. The ship dives as the missiles fly above it. Grif: Whoo! That was on purpose! A barrage of missiles are fired. Dylan: Oh, heck. The ship does a barrel roll to evade two missiles and flies above two more, but another warhead hits it straight on. Inside the ship, sparkles fly. Outside, it's a big blast and the ship is falling as Surge and Temple watch from the island. Surge: Direct hit, sir. She's going down. Temple: Thanks. I fucking noticed. Surge: I still think we should have eliminated- Temple: Enough! Looks like you'll get your wish after all. The ship crashes on the ocean. Surge: Shall I lead the greeting party? Temple: We've got more important things to do. Have Lorenzo and Cronut roll out the red carpet while we secure the facility. Surge: Uh, permission to speak freely, sir? Temple: Nah. Surge: Alright, then. the edge You heard the man, men! Let's show our guests some hospitality! Tanks and jeeps show up in front of Surge. On the beach, the Reds and Blues - Lopez only a head again - plus Dylan and Jax, stare at the wreckage. Jax: Okay, I know I sound like a broken record. But you definitely should have been- Grif: Would you shut up about the leaf on the wind shit?! I got us out alive, you're freaking welcome. Dylan: The Revere's totaled. The comm array is still functioning, but not for long. That's gonna cost someone an arm and a leg. Sarge: You mean besides Lopez? Simmons: Hey, Lopez! How about we turn you into a little backpack like C-3PO at the end of Empire? Lopez: Por favor, no. Solo dejame la sombra. He tenido suficiente acción para siempre. no. Just leave me in the shade. I've had enough action for ever. Sarge: What's that? You want us to throw you into the ocean? But Lopez, why would we do that? Lopez: No me eches en el oceano. throw me in the ocean. Sarge: Ohhh! To keep you from falling into enemy hands, hehe. Your selflessness knows no bounds. Lopez: Señor Grif. Detergalo, por favor. Stop him. Please! Grif: Hey, don't look at me, Lopez. I'm the lazy one, remember? I can barely speak English. Tucker: Let's get our boogie on, troops! Before they come looking for survivors. View from all the Blues and Reds guarding the facility. Dylan: The power facility is at the top. That's where Temple will be holed up with the machine. Simmons: Too late to call for backup? Tucker: Any ideas, Carolina? Carolina: One or two. Hey, Grif. What did you bring in the way of edibles? A Red and a Blue behind a barrier. Red: Ease up, broseph. Just say, "Don't knock it till you try it." Blue: Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. Red: They're baaaby seeals. See, that's why it's so funny when you bash their brains in. Personally, I put on some Nickelback, do a few dozen at a time... Brrrup! Chuckles Blue: Yeah, yeah, I mean, I guess that's kind of funny. Red: Fine, Judge Judy, the heck do you do for fun? Blue: Oh, you know, normal stuff. I like pushing small children down wells... I like hunting endangered animals... I like driving around without ever using my turn signals! Red: Hahaha, nice. Blue: Yeah, you know lately, I've really been into defending Hitler on the internet. Red: Heeeell yeah. Pretty much every Red on this seal site is a casual racist AND a Holocaust denier! Blue: Haha, same with the Blues. We also agree that all women are sluts. GRIF runs into them, they fly while screaming in pain. Blue: I've been mortally woundeedddd... Grif is still rushing at everyone. Blue: Contact, southeast! We're under attack! Open fire! Red: Mumbling I can't see anything, I don't have my glasses... Grif bashes those two as well. Then we see him running in circles while evading fire. Grif: Rapidly Hey guys, how's it going guys, going good over there? I'm doing the methshrooms! Meth meth methshrooms! And they're doing their thing and I'm doing my thing and everything's going great over here. I feel great, over. Simmons, Tucker and Caboose sneakily approach a guard station. Then Sarge comes in besides them running... Sarge: Very surprising sneak attack! Raaaargh! ...and fires his shotgun at the turret guard, followed by two soldiers next to a Warthog. Tucker: Damn it, Sarge! Sarge boards the Warthog. Sarge: Saddle up, Simmons! Or Grif! Warthog's all the action! Simmons: With pleasure, sir. The Warthog is now running, with Simmons at the turret. Simmons: Yeah, suck it, Blues! And Reds! And Blues and Reds! Carolina: Got three new tangos to the west. Sarge: Copy that! Juking at 9 o'clock! Carolina: Simmons! Contact! 85 degrees east. Sarge: Simmons! By God! Two marks at 12 o'clock! Simmons: Can we please settle on a consistent denomination? Are we using cardinal directions or are we using clock positions? Sarge: Simmons! Contact! Hard to starboard! Simmons: Urghh, never mind! Carolina: Hard right, Sarge, you got reinforcements from the northwest. Grif arrives holding a lot of grenades. Grif: You're up, Donut... Think my... starts to slur, he drops the grenades methshrooms are wearing off a bit... Nonono they're not! Donut: Bombs away! Grenades are tossed at various guards, who fall dead. Blue: Please have mercy. I'm innocent! Also, global warming is fake news, you cucks! laughs Tucker shoots this guard, who is then ran over by the Warthog and kicked by Grif. Tucker tackles a guard and fires at two others when another comes from behind him... Blue: Gotcha! ...until he trips and falls. Blue: Ooh! Who tied my shoelaces together? Tucker: laughs Good one, Caboose! Caboose: I'm so sneaky. They don't even know what's happening. You can't even see me right now, Tucker.You're so confused. Carolina is shooting. Carolina: More coming in from the north. Sarge, circle back to regroup. rings Dylan: Hello? Duhansen: Where? Where did you get it? Tell me, Dylan, where?! Dylan: Dr. Duhansen? Slow down. What are you talking about? Duhansen: The machine. Where did it come from? It's aliens, isn't it? It has to be. Dylan: The machine? But you said it could never function. Duhansen: I was wrong and now we're dead! We're all dead! Dylan! The damn thing is fully fucking functional! Cronut approaches his cronies near a tank. Cronut: Saddle up, Lorenzo, it's time to whack these dingleberries! laughter Cronut boards the tank, Lorenzo takes the turret. Lorenzo: Blocca e carica, andiamo. and load, let's go. They fire at the Warthog, Sarge and Simmons leaving in the nick of time before it blows. Duhansen: We ran the plans through our simulators, okay? Damn computers froze. It overheated, then it just works somehow. How? I don't know! Dylan: But you said it needs, er, supernova power. Duhansen: I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, Dylan, but the damn thing is a- is a time machine. It generates power by opening a wormhole to the past and using the energy imbalance between the two timelines like a chrono-electric generator. This thing, it's insane, what am I saying? Dylan: A time machine? You're fucking with me. Duhansen: Oh my God. I wish- I wish that were true. This is some Ark of the Covenant shit, Dylan. This is god magic. The tank is approaching them. Carolina: Tank! Coming in hard. Tucker! Tucker: Copy. I'm on it. Grif! Can you distract the robot? snoring Jax: Ooh! I'm on it, guys! Carolina: Jax! No! Jax runs in front of the tank. Jax: Hey! Italian robot! Uhh, Fellini sucks! Oh- oh, and uh, Dario Argento is a poser! Lorenzo: Stai zitto, coglione. up, asshole! Jax: Ha! And, Sergio Leone, is uhh... Overrated! A little, just a little! Lorenzo: Alarmo! Bestavia! Heresy! Jax: And soccer is boring as fuck! Lorenzo aims his turret at Jax. Meanwhile, Tucker jumps and grabs the cannon, and while hanging from it shoots three approaching troops. He then kicks Lorenzo's head into the sky. Lorenzo: Vendetta! will have my vengeance! Tucker is now punching the front of the truck, which continues to run. Sarge: Tucker, what in Sam Hell do you think you're doing? Tucker: I'm taking down this tank! Simmons: By punching it? Tucker: Fuck yeah! Carolina: That's not going to work. Tucker: It's totally gonna work, you assholes! I'm punching it right in the radiator! Simmons: That's not how radiators work! Tucker: Shut up and help me punch this fucking tank! Back to Dylan... Dylan: Alright, Doc, let's cut to the chase. What happens if someone uses this fucking time machine laser drill? Duhansen: Well, say goodbye to that planet! Setting aside the tsunamis, earthquakes, and mega volcanoes, the bigger problem is Newton. Dylan: Care to elaborate? Duhansen: Newton's Third Law! Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The law of consequences! You can't steal energy from the past without the energy coming back to haunt you. Dylan: Sounds bad. Dunhansen: Quantum singularity bad! Black hole sucking up the planet bad! Now, Dylan, I'd love to stay curious and chat forever, But me and the guys need to run some tests on how fast we can get shit-faced wasted and passed out under our lab desks... Before dying. Dylan: Sounds like a plan, Doctor! Thanks for the insight. Tucker is still punching the tank while everyone else watches. Simmons: Tucker, stop it. Sarge: Don't listen to him. This is the best idea you've ever had! Carolina: You're going to break your arm. Tucker: No, I ain't! I'm gonna break this fucking tank! Carolina: Tucker, please- BOOM! Tucker: Ahahaha, shit, yeah! Check me out. motherfuckers! Tucker's got his groove back! Carolina: That should not have worked. Now they're all around Dylan, who has explained the thing she heard. Dylan: Fully functional, he said. Powered by an honest-to-gods time machine. Simmons: But, time travel is impossible! Tucker: How can you say that? We've traveled in time before. Simmons: No, we didn't. We just thought we did. Don't you remember? Tucker: Aw, shit. I think you might be right. All that shit was so confusing. Dylan: Regardless, if Temple switches on this damn thing, it's the apocalypse! That's what matters right now. Carolina: He wouldn't destroy the planet for... vengeance... Dylan: He might not even know! He might not be thinking about anything but revenge! Simmons: Yeah, he might be an idiot. Tucker: Well, he's definitely dangerous. Come on, let's go. Grif: Ughhhh, I'm gonna- I'm gonna need a minute, guys. Simmons: I told you that taking all the meth methshrooms at once was a terrible idea. Grif: Yeah, I'm gonna hurl. Oh no. and starts gagging Simmons: Sighs I'll hold your head... Tucker: Well, you've got 30 seconds. We still got work to do. Before that psychopath turns on the time machine. A pillar of light ignites atop the mountain. Dylan: Oh no. We're too late. Gallery Revere.png|The Revere Island .png|The Island Incomeing .png|Incoming Overkill.png|Oh heck... Drect Hit.png|Direct hit, sir RVB 15 19 006.png|You heard the man Red carpit .png|Set up the defense Blue and Red.png|Blues and Reds Wellcome mat.png|Rolling the red carpet Shroom's.png|Hey guys, how it's going? RVB 15 19 011.png|Can we please settle on a consistent denomination? RVB 15 19 014.png|More coming in from north RVB 15 19 016.png|Saddle up Lorenzo RVB 15 19 013.png|Who tied my shoelaces together? RVB 15 19 018.png|Can you distract the robot? RVB 15 19 017.png|Hey, Italian robot! RVB 15 19 021.png|Just hanging off a tank RVB 15 19 022.png|Multitasking RVB 15 19 015.png|Where... where did you get it? RVB 15 19 023.png|I'm taking down this tank RVB 15 19 025.png|We're to late... Trivia *The title of this episode is a reference to one of the song lyrics from Blood Gulch Blues, going as follows: "It's '''Red versus Red', and Blue versus Blue, it's I against I and me against you."'' *Loco's machine is revealed to be powered by some form of time machine that can harvest energy from the past and present timelines; though doing so will destroy the planet. **Dr. Johanson quotes Newton's law of consequences when explaining the implications, keeping up with the season's theme of consequences. *Dr. Johanson references the time machine as "Ark of the Covenant shit" and "God magic," referencing the climax of Raiders of the Lost Ark. *Lopez returns in this episode after a three-episode absence, with his body intact. He is reduced to a head again not long after. *Carolina saying that destroying a tank by punching it after seeing Tucker perform the action shouldn't have worked could be a reference to the "This doesn't seem physically possible," gag. **The tank's destruction is a joke at the expense of later Halo titles, specifically the ability to destroy the tank by jumping onto its back and hitting it until it explodes. **The tank never made any movements after Dylan's talk with Dr. Johanson. *Grif's piloting skills are brought up again, even mentioning his crash landing in Reunion. This time, however, he appears to have great skill, being able to dodge several of the Blues and Reds' missiles. *When Grif takes over flying the ship, he claims to be trying to invert the controller scheme. This is a possible reference to Geoff Ramsey, Grif's voice actor, preferring inverted controller schemes when playing Halo. *When running at the tank Tucker is shown holding a DMR, however, when jumping onto it, he holds an Assault Rifle. It switches back once he gets off the tank. *Tucker and Simmons' conversation recalls the "time travel" plot of season 3, at the time a means of explaining the shift from the Halo: Combat Evolved engine to the newly released Halo 2 engine. Later seasons retconned this not being the actual case, instead being a combination of secret tactics by Gamma and reassignment by Project Freelancer. This plot had been left unaddressed for many seasons, leading to confusion from fans, which Tucker seems to comment on. *The Blue soldier's comment "Global Warming is fake news, you cucks!", may be an allusion to Donald Trump, due to his excessive use of the phrase "fake news", and his stance on Global Warming. The use of the word "cuck", derived from cuckold, is a common insult aimed at a person's masculinity among men's rights activist trolls on the internet. *When Tucker kicks Lorenzo's head into the sky, Lorenzo will be prompted to shout "Vendetta!" with a flash of light and a slight ding. This is a reference to the We're Blasting Off Again gag in the TV series Pokémon, in which Team Rocket gets sent flying in a pretty similar matter. *Tucker trying to destroy the Tank by punching it is a meta-joke about the Halo series where Spartans can blow up enemy controlled Tanks by jumping onto the back of them and punching it a couple times. Video Category:Episodes Category:Season 15